Rainy Summer Morning, ....a still house full of sleepy heads, dog snores and a tea kettle's quiet roar - My mind is full and ready for some release.

(full of errors so you know it's real)

...Its been a full month, quick month - it's summer and the sun has been so vibrant but today it is raining and we need a little refresh of rain around here so it does feel decadent to be sitting here drinking my coffee in a relaxed mindset. I am working from home again today - it is what my dreams have been made of for the last few years - a work from home job doing work I love. It may be strange to some, but shurely not all, that my joy in partiipating in acts vested with solving, soothing, comforting, and uniting comes in spreadsheets, planning travel, newsletters, and helping with team activities. This is a sense of accomplishment for me and a moment that I want to remember.... I don't want to pass over without some time within these feelings (((apperciation))). I have more dreams - that can be built on top of these dreams - and this is the trial phases - I would like to see myself in 3 years expanding on the possibilities. I am 3/4 done with my Pace certification for ASAP and it feels really good to be this far along with the processes. It is part of this larget plan I have to create my own thing... that is something I want to go into but it needs more time to develope before i just let it all out. We have all the parts of our Europe trip planned out and all the lodgings, along with train tickets between London and Scotland taken care of ....and various events of interest for the Fringe Festival earmarked.... Next month will be adventuring, memory making, history tracing, and explorative. My marathon is October 11 - I have a run scheduled for latter today - and I will wait till the rain stops as I am being a bit of a baby about not wanting to run in the rain I guess - I don't want to get soaked and having wet shoes for days isn't great.... so it will be a later run. Let's see... lest's...see what is deeper underneath... This is reflection this is from the darker hidden places of who I AM.... I have been reviewing as one does during a period of rest, coming out of a stress time and into the calm. I been reflecting on the love that I have felt for so many beings and how that stands radient and fullfilling right up against the cold edge that is uncomfortable and dispointing making both places drastically opposite from one another yet none the less linked and unavoidable realities of the same coin that is often my experience with things ...feeling the underside, witnessing the stinking sickness of rectification between a pendulum swing. Sometimes the outer version of me wants to wollow... as I have at times witnessed in these last months, because there is a sense of disgust - a true feeling of the ugly disgust that is just part of all that is lit up by joy and then time moves and joy is only joy for a short time - it has it's own edge, that contains it and says this is JOY, and what that is over there is not joy, the opposite and juxtapose create more depth to the experience... The common truth : the reality is that you can't have one without the other. It feels so real even now in how negativity wielding its hallowing ways -(hallowing out space for more latter)...... these little things that I let slide though or off of me, noted, even openly,... ended up being the very things that I was sure they felt close to being, out of balance (it was, clearly) - there is one way to go about it and that is how I did grow through the tension because it means a lot to me, to keep on growing (going), this is my life and I am attached to it even if I work to overcome a bind that feels limiting like small mindedness, lack of understanding, territorial tensions, inability to rise because of limiiting dynamics within a group (seeking cohesion at almost any cost), a leader (with troll tendencies, a head full of negativity, disregard for other's boundaries and a complex steeped in emotinal neediness), love relationships (that pull tiny territory strings- creating storied theatrics pining for energy redirection ) and friendships that are transactional and shallow. LIMITING - BUT that is not bad, it is not, it is the science of matter. Even if the word feels sharp and weopony, the intention is grounded in the growth of understanding. Onward. ...And on to the understanding - on the very same coin there is the joy of connection, finding community, leadership that supports individual expression of feelings and creativity, love that brings people together and asks them to step outside of thier comfort zone - and connection. And depending on where you stand all of that can be applied to any particular bit of what I have experienced with my friend group and within myself- ... and so it goes and it was always going to go that way because it just so happens that I have seen this time and time again ... now who is the true outsider looking in? What has pasted is good for new insights...observing movements, un attached to safe discord and diplomacy, noting my separateness, of NO - it is very freeing....removed from concern or care- FREEING- the conduit has been closed - and yes this feels freeing too. I snarled...I went full on claws out, I did.... sure it feels good to do so every so often, because of the chemistry in our brains and the rush of endorphins and the primal connection to that final last straw - survival - it can be so heady and visceral. So freeing in letting it all out. Delicious. (this is just a coin toss). mote it be. ...and what has been gained individually? - through more conflict I have had to run up against, more edges of self discovery to see what is personality, psychology and below that and beyound the behavior the very "I," (oh that sacred I AM that so may religions and movements work to sit within a still knowing place of self, beyound the layers, the leveling agent of we are all waiting there under our moods, hormones, and costumes, we are all versions of that I AM) me (you) - I am still just here as before when things were so loud and noisey and with attention so scattered - that its just the same as it was...see, still here... And what a fun experience to be invited into a collective, to be chummy, to be accepted, and even at time exalted in some ways - and how great it can be to learn what that can do to parts of my personality, being so central. Sun in Leo or so Ego prone to seek attention seeking in ways (even I knew that it wasn't meant to be forever)- and how that warmed parts of my personality. Yes, warmed me! ....it is warm to fall in love with friends and to see our heart be gregarious and full... and to know that it radiates in support .... that was good, it was good for my psyche and good for my ego to get a little of that- and I do believe that it served most of us well I think we all got a lot from it. And then a little flip of the wrist of time, to witness the tensions in others, and to know fully when things have run thier course and energy needs to be shifted and moved over to other places because - I don't like swelling negativty. That is how I do it, and I often think of the detachment that is needed as we all can't be sitting on the same branch of a tree and not suspect the branch to bow then break if we don't make adjustments - to shake off imbalances.... this is how I see it. That is why it is so easy to make choices that lead to endings. (good bye) Because nothing is forever, and the things that matter the very most to me become VERY apparent when the branch is bowing and I see the tree among the forest. The need for a reality correction clearly- is familar to me- as is the observation on limitations of the material componets. What is possible and what will happen? Even just the physics of the pendulum swing - and I was sure to mention this - I remember knowing this early on and stating my limitations.... anyway.... onward I have learned a lot about myself in various circumstances and gained more insight in my weakness and strengths, as well, as have looked at some of my convictions on the group behaviors I have witnessed - some ideas have been expanded or have been adjusted while other ideas have been revisited and proven to be mostly true, some absolutely false , within circumstances such as those that have passed - I got what I wanted; a deep insight and that is the experience, the connection the human condition playing out in a lot of ways and a chance to see where I succeeded with conduit and how that felt along with my own actions that created restrictions and closed conduit and the ugly parts of self that are just as much of who I am as the more "beautiful" parts. And this is something that I have asked Josh to accept- not always verbally, but through living it out with me- that I come with these experiences - and have had the chance to experience it, life, in this way because this 32 year relationship is unique and unlike any other that allows me all of this opportunity to grown in various ways , to expand like a Jupiterian god of sorts growing larger beyohnd where I was before, and to retract like collapsing larger universe that will close when one is not ready, or there is danger that is percieved - out of protection- only to then be recreated again in new ways - this petridish of human-ing that I get to do with my love - to play like a child and rest as a child as I like to do - to be fairy sprite like as my personality tends to like to do, or to be grounded in the relationship - giving me that ever present way point, to have family and long standing connection, this union asks me to understand boundries for things bigger than just my ego and my persoanlity... I am not purely chasing the good times....no, the beauty of the ask, the ask is wordless and is about the reoccurring doing- of being here again and again...and in that he (my love) has asked me to accept him in his peculiar ways as well - his unique wasy of expressing his feelings, of being a Turus type (my classification not his)- safety, home, comfort, stability, steady, calm, and needng at times reinsurance in his own ways ...along with all the responsibility of partnering ourselves, one another and our child - I love this ever present potentiality of creating things together - a life time relationship - one that is more rare these days, and seems to be growing rarer - we get this shelter, whith it's own weather and ecosystem... in our unique harbor which we have built through constant recommittment to this - and we have a lot of trust in that - even if we have a lot of mistrust of certain circumstances that has the potentiality to veil bad weather ahead - we want to stay alert and protective, we want to grow individually, yet, also to protect and trust this union - even when one of us feels unsure - we come back to the union. this beautiful union where we are our most raw (it is this union that has the ability to really bring us to that place of absolute vulnerability - and where we try on new outfits of personality to see what works and what maybe is just ridiculous.... we live this way because we choose this, time and time again. The art of being in a long term relationship is a true art.... the endurance, the fortitude, the long range vision.... the emotional vulnerability and the ability to pivot to maintain the connection- to TRANSFORM- a true art and I am fortunate to understand this and to still get the chance to "perfect" the art of our dance together.... I am so aware of how fortunate I am.... that I did not fuck it up - because there is still more we must do together. As for the art of being alone in life, or not having the ability, stomach or constitution for a long term relationship - well that is not for me - that is no interest to mine, I like being coupled - it a simple realization of mine, I have no pull, will or desire and it is of no interest of mine. All my imaganinings ivolves the other, all of my dreams there is another...there is always me and you (lover) and what is between us that space between how it longs to unite -is what pulls me close to inspection...what is this that draws us? What is between us, wanting to be one? What is this desire for union about? Yet aren't we all alone inside? - yes, for sure- but it's not really alone if we have all these elements of self we dig through to get to that center.... it is that digging out self amongst the others parts -the act of noting something other.... that we find ourself. It is so obvious to me, that the magic involves multiple components striving towards union. It is blatantly obvious! Of course cliche - touché. - I will go there! We are one, togeather. I think about this stuff.... this is the stuff I love so much about human-ing usually in the reflection process after some bad weather has passed. I am a meaning maker (like you) ... and this is the meaning that I am making for my own life and the various threads of circumstance that fray around me along with the conduit of connections that exhist longer and stronger - I know this life won't be here forever. I know this love is rare and ours and isn't going to be easy always. How rare it is ... yes, so rare and misunderstood. .... yet so common place- this misunderstood one-sided view among a two sided reality or even a three sided reality (oh right the edge that rides between the two sides) of the same coin - you see things this way out there... I see things this way in here and then turn to see things out there over there in the act of compare ... it creates boundaries, edges....the edge between one side and another... it creates points of reference and it brings me to myself within myself and within the larger context of everyone... and everything is, as it should be and has always been, as it shall and so ... how could it really truly be a real bother beyond another scrape along a journey through life's expansions and contractions. I hope in the next rendition of this same story - I do things with a little more flare and little less winey fat lip complaints. It be nice is I could be a little less nerotic and anxious, come on get on that fortitude horse and ride .. Will I? hard to say - but surely, it will be some sort of new dynamic draped over the same core story. What do I want. Union with my lover, and others - but surehly this is all a play on the union with in! And so the story unfolds like it does and will continue to do....

My forever feels like a long time - almost 50 years and I could do 50 more I think, but it is held together by my mind and my body, and my drive....my WILL to make it so, to make love and war when it comes to making space for my WILL - this is adventure- among the finite and so my forever is just finite...I will be gone eventually and this love relationship will pass to dust, adventuring, sticky skin touching sticky skin, wet with desire, two hearts beating as one, two waring hearts beating against one another, feelings of how I hate to make you mad, feelings of how I love to see you happy (even these desires) ..... this (ours) is a refuge...yes is temporary (even among what we have claimed as ours till the end) temporary.... all - will be gone - and off to the larger forever dust plums and stars and galaxies - and.... on and on..... that forever is beyond my little I's mine. With the warmest regards - divine universe - as I move around the sun let me always find the ability to worship life through the magic of empowering breath, movement, embodingy my own body, and exploring my mind...in union with all of this. Errors are expected as we (I) aren't robots...may I keep finding grace for such things, wishing the same for all other sentient beings as well. We ride...