Solo Camping and Trail Run

It's almost June! I’ve been so busy that I haven't taken the time to sit and blog, but I have also been so happy, calm, and at peace. Because of that, I don't feel like I've had a lot I needed to get off my chest. I am just so thankful for the quiet inside my mind and the quiet presently all around me—except for the distant sounds of waterfalls, which are about 50 feet from my cabin.

I am in Ithaca, New York this weekend. I rented a cabin, set it up this morning, and now I'm sitting around the fire speaking into my phone microphone. It's very peaceful.

On April 28, I decided that I would follow my therapist’s suggestion and try treating my anxiousness and scattered focus with medication. For the first time in my life, I acquiesced out of feeling at my wit's end. I had been regressing into a mental state that I worked really hard to grow out of, but it was compounded by the pressure of the new job—the high-stakes tests, the amount of care and precision it takes, and being so attentive and in service of my role. Along with the external pressures of friendships that originally created a lot of joy but became extremely toxic and full of drama, as well as all of the lingering, ever-present grief I've felt about the loss of my mom. All of that came to a great conjunction in December, January, and February, and then continually kept washing over me through March and April.

I'm happy to say that everything feels back in place within me. I am amazed at how helpful the medication has been in my ability to focus at my job and handle the pressures, and I wish that I had started it sooner.

I am loving my job so much. Even though it comes with a lot of challenging tasks, I'm getting to grow within the role, and I love the team that I get to work with. I have never had a better boss and he makes it easy for me to want to serve and through serving I lead. It's the exact environment that nirisous my confidence and drives my Will forward. If my mom were just a phone call away, there'd be a lot for us to talk about. I know that she would enjoy hearing about my job, hearing about my wonderful boss, and hearing about the fun people I get to work with and the type of work I get to do. I'm very proud of myself, and I know that she would be proud of me as well.

Tomorrow, I'm getting up early to run a trail run. It won't be too stressful because it's only 6.66 miles, but as tempted as I was to run the half marathon like I did last year, I know that I need to build up gradually to the place that I want to be. I have a very stressful Monday and Tuesday coming up, so I need to set myself up for success.

The trail run in Ithaca, is in a beautiful state park with so many natural waterfalls and gorges; it's breathtaking the entire time. When I got here today, the Cayuga 50 race was happening, and let me tell you, it brought me to tears to see these athletes cross the finish line after being at it for hours upon hours. I texted Josh and said, "I'm getting all those feels." It makes me want to sign myself up next year and do a 50-miler, which I think is doable if I'm smart about the training.

I haven't signed myself up for next year's 50-miler yet, but I keep thinking about it. There are a couple of ultra races that I would like to do this summer—one of them is a 24-hour relay in July that starts at midnight, which is something that keeps catching my eye. Then I have the full marathon in the fall. I want to be healthy when I start that marathon; I do not want to be injured, so I need to be smart and balanced in how I approach my races between here and there.

After everything that's happened, and all of the work that Josh  and I have put into the last couple of months, we have decided that it makes sense for us now to consider getting a puppy in the fall.

For a while, that plan was on pause. But after taking Hedy and Willow to their most recent vet appointment and talking about some of the things they are experiencing in their elder years, we realized there isn't a lot of time left if we want to get a puppy while it still makes sense for them.

Hedy is getting to the end of her ability to play for long periods. She struggles with breathing and has some issues with losing muscle tone around her larnix area, so she is constantly struggling for breath when she is on walks. It causes me a lot of worry when I'm out with her, so I’ve reduced the length of our walks. She cannot handle the heat, but we did get her a pool that helps her stay cool. On the warm days, the plan is for her to go swimming in the pool on the porch to cool off, run around a little bit, and then come in and rest.

Willow has developed a lot of fatty tumors, and though they are not a medical concern, there are so many around her chest and armpit area that it impedes her ability to run the way that she used to.

With all of this, it is important to us to have a lineage of connectivity between all the dogs in our lives. They've always known each other—our first dog, Zoe, raised Pippy the guide dog, and she raised Hedy and Willow before she passed. Then Hedy and Willow helped us raise Sunday the guide dog before she left. Our next dog needs to know Hedy and Willow and learn from them, so they can pass the torch of how to be a very good dog. The vet said she foresees that this fall would be good, but the following fall would not be, because by then Hedy will be 14 going on 15, which is just too old to have to deal with a puppy.

So, we put our down payment on a lab puppy with a breeder that we researched and spent time getting to know over the last couple of years. We are looking forward to welcoming a new family member into our home! Though it's been a while since we've done puppy raising, and I know it takes a lot of time and dedication, thankfully my job is allowing me to work from home more than they originally said I'd be able to. That gives me a lot of optimism that the puppy raising is doable. Plus, since I can sometimes bring dogs to work, I will be able to bring the puppy every so often, which will be great.

These are my life updates—my public life updates, lol. I am journaling a lot, practicing my rituals, and staying focused on my love of the sun and my connection toward knowledge and conversation with my HGA.

I am so lucky to be in the middle of the woods, looking up at a sky full of stars with a bright moon just over my left shoulder, a roaring fire, a beautiful cabin, and time alone. I know tomorrow's going to be hard, even if it's only 6.66 miles and even if the scenery is beautiful. I am going to be challenged. I've already done this race and I know what's in front of me: my legs are going to burn, and my knees are going to be pushed to the limit because of the amount of elevation I'm going to ask them to clear. But they will get me there. I've asked them so many times to just go a little bit further, and they always do.

I'm grateful. I'm extremely grateful.

Good night.