Stream of Consciousness, Brain Dump Morning Review - this is all of those things.

This week has been busy. I was able to get a lot done at my job (which I love very much), while also juggling the added layers of two therapists and the couples therapy which is ongoing. Even when we are not with the therapist day in and day out, we have our therapy homework and a shared goal of working towards a safe space for communication. We really needed this—we really needed an additional support system because it helps us build larger safe spaces for us to work through feelings.

Yesterday, Willow developed an inflamed eye—which was stressful because I had a very important meeting that involved multiple components and weeks of planning, as well as organizing a catered lunch. Thankfully, Josh called the vet. The timing was perfect; as I pulled into the driveway straight from work, Josh was ready with her and loaded her up into the car. $200 later, we are home with eye drops and inflammation meds. Her eye is looking better this morning.

Some things have creeped in with the joy of realization. I recognize that I have had multiple nights lying under the stars in my hammock (last night I was under the stars right up until the last hour before bed). I have worshiped the sun daily (so grounding). I am back to doing my morning LBRP—I had taken a break from this ritual for almost a year as I was following the instructions of a different regimen. We had a rambunctious puppy play-get-together, and I went thrifting with my friend. I wore my suit jacket that I got at one of my important board meetings (no one knows that it only cost $3!)—and I looked sharp.

I had a touching exchange with my boss where he thanked me, and it felt solidifying in regards to the work I am doing to support him. I want to see him succeed—he has the ability to move the team in that way, which is inspiring. I appreciate his leadership, his positivity, and the way he carries so many things on his shoulders and does it so well without projecting stress or inner conflicts into dialogue. It feels like a relief to work for such a level-headed, intelligent, thoughtful, and dynamic leader. This motivates me! And I feel so much gratitude.

I have switched to decaf coffee on the weekdays—I had to. First off, my coffee maker is so good, so I was just drinking a lot of coffee in the morning, and then at work we have the espresso machine and I was drinking more delicious coffee. It led to me being jittery and jumpy—not great.

Also, let me slide this in here: I am now on medication. I was against it for so many years because I just had a lot of worries about it, but after the consultation with the therapist, she believes I have been masking ADHD since I was a child. Because I always have this low-grade anxiety about failing, about letting others down, about being "found out" regarding how hard it is for me to process information and perform at the level expected of me—and how painful it is to let people down, which reinforces all the people-pleasing bits of myself that can get me in trouble.

Plus, with the constant struggles in school early on (being held back twice), not having the ability to juggle friendships back then and school (and subsequently cutting out my social life to cocoon when things get overwhelming), and with the new stresses of my friend group falling apart so dramatically with the very public emotionally abusive behaviors of the group leader, the pull of Josh's own insecurities, the death of my mom (gut-wrenching), and the new job—all of it—I felt myself slipping back into mindsets of old times and old ways. I wanted to separate myself from everyone and everything to decompress.

All while constantly worrying that all of this would negatively impact my job—a job I wanted so much, that I worked so hard for, that I kept saying "pinch me" every time the job unfolded into my dream. It felt like there was a lot on the line. A LOT. So many things about my job matter to me. It gets me out of the house a few days a week into a lovely space that is beautiful and hip, while also allowing me more home time than any job I have had in the past. It allows me to be my own person, separate from my family role where there is a lot of sacrifice to be made in the short term for stability. It allows me to learn new skills, and to express skills I already have and feel the feedback of: "Your skills are needed and you are helping us be a better company." I get to feel that and own it—for me this is a blessing of the right time and the righ combination of give and take.

And also, my role is everything that I love about myself. I love to nurture, and I love that my sensitive nature is a strength, because I can read the room, read my boss, and flex to nurture a moment, or to support him, or to make connections. And that is the job I have always wanted, even when I did not know what I wanted, because I wasn't able to see the value of the parts of myself that made me feel alone or "too much" (too sensitive, too emotional, too clingy).

One year for Easter when I was in third grade, my mom let me pick out my Easter dress. I picked out a pink shirt and skirt set (normally my mom got me yellow and my sister got pink), and to me, that outfit looked like a business suit. It had a blazer-style top with a pencil skirt bottom. I felt like a secretary. I liked the outfit so much I wore it after Easter at least once a week until I outgrew it. I would wear it to school and then set up my school desk with my chair placed sideways, creating an imaginary wall between my desk and the desk behind me. With a right wall (the back of the chair), I would enter my "office" through the left, which was my office door—and I would imagine I was a secretary in my suit.

Later I decided to become a teacher because my mentor/Big Sister was a teacher. I followed suit and became one, and subsequently left that career with the scare of school shootings (one of my students did go into the highschool with guns but was stopped by the vice princople who was shot in the leg), the constant behavior modification focus of classroom management, and the stress of being a new mom and trying to be a teacher—which I did not handle well (no tools).

ANYWAY—I slowly worked my way through office jobs after I left teaching, building skills that would make me a helpful support. And now that I am 48 years old, I have found the job that makes me feel like saying "pinch me" every day. So, A LOT was on the line when the stress was compounding. And so I asked for help. I expressed all the worries, the imposter syndrome thoughts, and the worries that I won't be able to keep up with life and serve in my job at the caliber I want to—that I know I can do—if I could just get the breathing room and the headspace to do it.

And so I said YES, I will try the medication.

Today is my first day on the medication, and I am monitoring everything very carefully.

I feel a tremendous amount of gratitude for the amount of support I have been able to go to for meaningful dialogue as I work through my feelings. It is far beyond therapy; I am talking about friendships. Friendships which have endured this year even though I wasn't showing up as a SUN radiating light and warmth and joy. I was showing up sometimes as a black hole; I was taking up a lot of the energy of others. And people had time for me. They allowed me to be darker, more chaotic, more unhinged for a little bit. And I needed that, and those people. Where before I would be so ashamed to be so messy with my emotions, here I felt supported, heard, and still loved. There is nothing I could have asked for more in my life than that as a foundation of community and connection from which to grow.

I feel so much gratitude—I feel the SUN within me rising.