Updates and Gratitude

Time is flying by because I have been so very busy. I am now into my new job—week 3! And there is snow on the ground, and we are just a few weeks from Yule and Christmas. When I am not working hard at learning my new job, I have been studying and prepping for an exam. A lot is going on, and we have not put up the tree yet. I plan to do that this weekend.

Everything has been a whirlwind of new things, coming fast, yet I am staying centered within myself and believing in myself. I guess I have about eight figurative arms moving around and moving the flow of activity along. Josh has felt the pinch of my attention being divided, it is an ongoing conversation—but one I feel ultimately is about us staying united and connected.

This was the first Thanksgiving without my mom. Even though for years now I haven't spent Thanksgiving with her, a text or a phone call always was possible, and this year, all I can do is listen to her within me. I think about how in the past she may have had a fun Friendsgiving or how she might have been able to spend it with my sister. I imagine her smiling, laughing, hardly eating any food because she wasn’t a big foodie (compared to me, a food glutton) but enjoying the company. She was such a social butterfly and had a fun laugh and a beautiful smile. I am thankful that I thought of her a lot and that I found all her joy sitting right there in me. I am thankful she lives on within these beautiful images and impressions.

Noah has a new job. He left his roofing sales job on good terms and is walking into his new job more confident and with a sense of growth and maturity. He is really making some great progress in feeling confident and aware of himself, as well as the impact his actions make on the world around him and his state of mind. I am proud of him.

I am less available to my friend groups currently, but it is all for long-term growth, and it is such a blessing to have a group of friends that is so low drama, that I don't get any residual stress creeping up in me. I am thankful to the divine universe for friendships like the ones I have in my life today. And they are guarded and protected by my heart...meaning I have no desire to take them for granted nor to interject stressors. I love observing how the friend group grooves and shakes together as it deepens and develops over time.

I am getting back into going to UU services. For a long while, I was taking a break because Sam, the long-standing minister, moved on. There were temp ministers, the office staff changed, things were crazy busy on my end, and I fell out of step with what the UU was doing. But now they are back with a ministry staff, a well-working office team, and things look to be really good! I may attempt to go in person this Sunday. Plus, there is a craft fair and the pie sales.

Josh and I started planning our train trip from London to Scotland. We watched videos on the various train options we have and discussed our budget ideas, as well as setting up a savings just for the trip. I will start reserving the rooms we will stay in within the next month or so. This is a very exciting project, building up to a very exciting trip for Josh and I to experience. I am looking forward to seeing him in London and in Scotland, and just soaking up the adventure with him.

I feel a lot of love. Earlier in the week, I felt paralyzed by decision-making, and then I recognized it for what it was—just the state right before action. I needed to jump out of that liminal space and into action, and so I did. And now, just a few days later, I am in the process of learning how to do, how to make sense of, how to sort, how to communicate, and how to delegate, which is a better place to be in than waiting on myself to get the nerve to pull the trigger on making moves. I am learning a lot about myself. I guess it's just an always-happening thing. You never really grow out of needing to stay aware of what's driving you. I feel a lot of love. When I clear the space and act and do and move forward with my Will, I feel the love. Even when I feel no external love projected towards me, I feel the love deeper because it's not even about approval or praise. It's about the comfort I have within myself. My baseline is in balance, and it radiates love there, so I feel it.

And I am grateful.

I don't have landing spaces in me or on me for cynicism, smallness, snarky side comments, or power moves through microaggressive attacks. I am thankful, because the world has a bunch of that shit flying around looking for a "safe space" to attach or attack, but it doesn't find a home with me. I am thankful. I am available for love to give and receive. I am here. I am thankful.