i have been struggling to come to terms with the opposition, with in my mind...in my heart...with in the small group of 3, group 6, group of 8, group of 300, a thousand, a million, 6 billion. holding and letting go.
holding on to ideas...turning over the thought forms, feeling out the energy generated through the transmition.
ongoing conclusions: as all of us have probably noticed in our journey to now. the moment we find our self currently in, .... up to this very point...we have been refined by the world around us, constantly soiled, polished, bruised, and brightened under the pressure of the rub, attraction of various beacons, friction of juxtaposition...working to contort the product (our current state)....and unseen forces more ancient...tugging at our gravity....affecting the substance of sub atomic and microscopic selves.... altering multi-dimensional existence. we all have decided on rejections...what you choose to ignore to be a part of the whole...who's whole, fueled by machinery of biochemical reward systems, attaching our selves to larger entities of motive energetic fields that generate a self sustaining system and if they are successful lead to proliferation. systems such as, family....club, team, political party, religious collection, state, and nation state.... these systems in there own process of refining...are evolving and transmuting.... currently in the now they too...can be tracked and charted with shifts just as our evolution of self has its eras, "when we did things that way"... and find statements like "now we do things this way". these are some general conclusions...that so many have converged in agreement, or broken off to converge with differing agreement: things change...evolve. and that is...the way in which life and this cosmic play rolls out, so it goes. and in this process i find it a challenge at times to hold all things equal. to spin the thread of various wheels with in the entities i have attached myself to...and gravitated towards. what is 'right' and what is 'pure' i find myself -> Approaching Anger <- an emotion that should be held and explored....and transmuted to useful jettisons to find entities which nourish on something pure and which produces waste that is least taint and more enriching fertilizer to progress to the next....now, future forward. group: human, subset: progressive motive groups touting, change; yet commingling with self grandiose status of a second hand idea "manifest destiny" with in all realms. not in a nation state to expand to all regions...but in the glorious "I" that is incestuously prone to selfish parasitism. materialism that is wasteful, i despise my materialism, the car that makes josh so happy as status and proof of hard work = manifestation, the amazon prime quick click away any item available and the status quo that makes it an easy slip...a lazy acceptance...a right against the current of "how things are".... the zero waste way....is more work in the shift to attainment than achieving a masters degree for a field that is sold as the way to have more things by having a better job, and making x amount of money...to buy your freedom from worry....to find contentment in your 'golden years'. i am angry with this normal way.... i have not come to terms with it and i do not know how to make this work if i reject this then i will be rejecting entire groups of 'support'.... who feed my biology with warm conditions of praise and acceptance... i will make others uncomfortable who will then subconsiously find ways to make me feel as uncomfortable as i had possibly made them feel...in karmantic "tit for tat" teeter totter (i would like to jump off) in ....because i am angry...and i do not know how to yet be....approachable with it... as i have yet to fully live it and there fore am still just incubating...a will....of my will....to the way and my way.
eating meat? - okay, there is nothing about it at this point that holds any sort of meaningful purity to me ...i fed on it....for years...and then i saw unfolding truth...how how this modern convenience of meat on demand is selling this planet short...and stunting the consciousness of humans, and strangling our water supply. ...and well it's a challenge to say nothing...and yet it's a energetic quagmire when your straddling various groups with each with specific motives and ways of feeding their own power systems... i find it a bit... of a ride to center of self and our connection of ones with each other, to find how others react, reject, oblige...respect and allow me to hold space for the truth of what is happening to the voiceless creatures. so far this has turned out to be one of the greatest learning experience on my own humanity that i have yet to encounter. even larger than placing my daughter for adoption and witnessing all the varous reactions of humans in progression.... i am humbled by this process, as i have been broken...saddened while also fed on the energy of what i have found to be "pure" with compassion and 'right' for the life on this planet to sustain itself.
there are a lot of things i am coming to terms with.
mothering....
partnerships....
connections...
i will be following up with the process as it contues to progress.