A Progression of my MOOD into the Movement of Time- past...yet Now is forever and is everything, though it appears like a mirage to dance in forms. I watch, I see.

It is Sunday - and I have put a lot of the house into its ease of living mode - it is about placement- see this is how I like it. Yesterday I am sure I did 100 flights of stairs, and sorted through items from the fourth floor all the way to the bottom - and found bits to donate. This is what I choose to do while I avoided the news - on the fringes I heard about another war we are in now, and well the news has been an onslaught for years now - like years and years and it's been....a game of avoiding it for some insulative concentration. I am aware of the happenings - and I only have so much capacity to focus on it. Its the wave after wave - centry after centry. Once Josh was home that night I was ready to confront the news - I have my favorite sources I like to lean on most; BBC, PBS, Democracy Now, Heather Cox Richardson, WMHT, Bryan Tyler Cohen, Legal Eagle, Adam Mockler, Glenn Kirschner, Tim Miller, Sarah Longwell, and The Bulwurk - which is what it is - these are the sources I feel most drawn to. And well the news... of course it is disapointing but not surprising. When I was a young nieve history teacher I often felt as if all the really juicy history already happened and I romantizied the past as I strove towards the horizon of bringing the light of wisdom into the current present - with my history teacher mantras like: We shall not forget, or History Repeats itself if you are not careful - and well today - I am no longer young and a little bit less nieve but I have my mantras - that I whisper yet I am more quiet now - to be more observant- of my internal state. I havent made space for intense emotional movements swayed by the state of the State, current events - but I do have compassion, and the ability to reconize the repreating patterns of power and the ebbs and flows in the pulling back and forth - like our internal struggles the world plays out once again as alwasy in a taut relationship of existence. It is how it is - I reconize the feelings of imperfection - are my first go-to's ...and then I settle into the perfection of time and in that detached mind - there is no room for fear, or anger - yet there is alwasy room for love as that is the most perfected state that I know. So I will continue to observe and find touch points for conversation in quiet spaces with Josh and those who keep thier passions in check - and I will focus on the love I feel for union with others - to be in union and delight in it - and I will continue to feel the losses - which only brings me back to the realization of how sweet love is - for in it's perceived absence it presentes itself even more so - fill in the blanks- find me and see - there is void- there is space, there is direction for love to move to, there is revalation in connection - there is oneness that can be worked towords - but it comes through the shattering- through its reconition of lacking - that we will strive towards the realizatio of its desire. My desire is for union - admits all the broken portions that highlight thier "brokenness" by what they could be and already are - through the love of the light of life and dark night of fortitude - existence is whole. My desire for the point of peace within - this is my refuge. This morning I spent time with my blue birdie - and enjoyed his bright tones and attached conversations he tries to have with me on the terms we have shared back and forth. I enjoyed him and drank my coffee and thought about how my home feals like heaven to me when it is in place, and when I can spend time just being in enjoyment of the moment. I am lucky to know heaven. I imagine whole heartedly a world where: we respect each others so furivoritnly that we mind our mind and we tend our emotional gardens with diligent attention to every detail. And yet a few weeks ago I was just so heart broken on a war of realtionship, on endings, misunderstandings, and betrayl - that I was in some central push /pull - ownership game of wills - when I had already said what I wanted and made it clear - that no mater how invassive an idea of another's version is of 'what is right' or "what is understood' is so clouded by opposing forces - that the pain of domination - a force of power- in the end it will cause harm no matter how 'pure' or alive a passion is with care to seek and see through - that there will not be superficial peace on even the most surface level when there is so much misallginment of ideas and end point sight- and so the suffering of being out of line, or out of alignmnet, is like the black fodder for one to search through and to build back within- that? oh right ? - the reminder: this is the same! - this is the same on a smaller scale. This is the same univrse in me, in you, in them- this is the clash of wills the SPARKS of ehixtance making itself known. And this is the pain of the world here - and this is the noted absense of love that has us so angry and wanting the love to sooth us burried below loud ideals - and now I am soothed - I am soothed by time and the wholeness of my world; once again so evident. My true Will is to love so that I can do it -cunduit - with you, and you....and you and you and us. But.... BUT... sometimes that will not look like union - sometimes that will look ugly and raw, enflamed in an erutpion of magma - and the joy of finding the union within these times - well I feel lucky and dare I say - even "blessed" to be so aware of how truly united we are even when we are all so unaware. You (we) - felt some absence or fear of the absence - we in fear of losing attachment, patience -tested and limitations of our combinations showing thier edges became forgetful and engulfed in it, we felt victrial and the vennom of the longing and the denials of limitation- we felt the limitation and sought resolution. Tit for Tat - because the union is still ever present - we - have it; but it is not for me to make it known to you - any longer- it is for you to know it as it is for me to enjoy the truth...see how we do? I will enoy the unions I have with in me and what they bring me day in and day out. Onward. My heart is full of gratutde for the Sun and for this dance I find myself in - to being ALIVE and free to the joy within.

https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Sm-__IgNXwg