Transmutation resulting from relational permutations and computations. A letter to my mother after her death.

There is a lot that I would like to say to you - just between me and you - now that your everywhere. it is just between me and everything, I guess.  This just between me and you - can be done anywhere now- so while I sit here - this is just between me and you- amidst everything and among all of us.

In the recent past the-just between me and you - had to travel an electrical current where it would sit for you to answer the phone or respond to a text...rarely was the "just between me and you" about having one-on-one time over coffee in person. 

I don't know why things would have to be so complicated between us, but they were.  Possibly we were our own undoing and redoing - we were sensitive to one another's patterns mixed in with an unbalanced emotional competitiveness in some hidden darkness of our subconscious. 

Sometimes these things made it herd to just enjoy more of the time we did have, when we were together.  I was upset and I guess I still am, about many things - but that is the reality of being in a relationship with another. Things are never perfect though we strive towards ideals.

...And we did strive and try for union so many times and we met each other often there We were never more united as when you carried me within you - where nothing mattered more than the present moment of connection.  No need to toil over figuring out who I am and who you are - we knew one another deeply. 

I know you, still now- and so you live in me- I know you knew me too - and it's a very delicate space to let someone hold a piece of you and see you in your most raw state.  You saw me in my most raw just as I saw you - and sometimes it called up our fears- we found fear- it is something we needed to power through to look past it, to its center.  Today I say things like "Eureka, I have made a breakthrough" -after all the review and inspection- I clearly see the clutter we had piled on our hearts- religion, politics and the drive to take kill shots with our mind to find satisfaction within our independent intelligence.  These things would lead to feelings of restriction - in our connection - it was more like a deceptive hoodwink over our hearts-we felt fear and the warnings -before we saw the truth of the signal beneath.  This is how our minds played tricks on us and kept tripping us up.  I wanted to release that - I wanted to remove the covering and get back to union - but I needed more time.  I was in mid motion working on leading a stronger more vibrant heart towards you.

-I wanted to show you that even if every label that scared you came attached to my name - that none of it mattered - because what we  really wanted was to get back to our realization of our union- .... and I wanted you to discover this truth by knowing me.    I wanted to show you that we could conquer these things.  I wanted to do this as a signal that I am a safe space for our hearts to be de-shrouded. 

I wanted to make sure I delivered that - ...that nothing within was left unturned or was hiding behind any facade.  This is part of that process - only now I can't bring my resilient and strong heart to your door to wait for you to embrace me. ...because Death has released this notion from my mind.  Timing is everything. I don't have to look for pathways, or channels or doors, or words or calculations that will light you up and ask you to receive me.... Now, I just want to keep getting more free inwardly - and letting the rawness of myself show up for refinement within this striving- and it will be a lot of you in there motivating me- through knowing you and loosing you- the "Just between me and you" is everything in between - in review  -it's everything. - you gave me; life- it's where everything started - between me and you - and it is everything that matters in how I get to know others, in how I show up - and how I inwardly construct myself for reception. 

  I was driven to reunite with you - needing reunion to mean wholeness- and that pursuit has led me towards this broader conception of union.  I keep making connections - growing my abilities to contain and release - becoming more suitable and capable to take in the world- that's what this "between me and you" was about all along. Look what we created - between me and you:  Love. ❤️